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:: Wednesday, December 25, 2002 ::

Worst War Movie Ever



Mike Trettel, administrator of Government Monkey, challenged me to conjure up a list of the worst war movies ever. Not one to back down from a challenge, I present a list, counting down to #1.

5. Rambo III
4. Red Dawn
3. In the Army Now
2. Navy Seals


(Has Charlie Sheen ever looked scarier?)

Before we get to number one, I hear you: those are all American movies. Surely there are bad war movies made elsewhere.

Yes, you're right. We can make some awful war turkeys, but the number one worst war movie honor belongs to a film made in a country which exists no longer. That'll teach 'em to make bad war movies. Yugoslavia cranked out the worst ever war movie back in 1960.

Behold the awfulness of Atomic War Bride!!!

(Spoilers: I spoil everything but don't worry, you should see the film for its own (dis)merits anyway.)



It's John Johnson's (yes, his real name) wedding day. He's psyched to show his new bride his swinging pad, but a neighbor stops by to lend some friendly criticism.




There, that's better. And won't she be impressed by the power of John's electric lights?



What gal wouldn't be? Anyway, John heads off to meet the new in-laws, but war intercedes. Civil defense forces pass out Atomic Radiation Suits and explain how to duck and cover. John hasn't got a suit, so he seeks cover in the trash.




Haha! False alarm. Those were our jets screeching overhead. Plus we've got radiological troops with big electric boxes to save the day.



Jack and his in-laws strike out for the church, despite the air raid. But the bombs fall ever closer...




Newlyweds John and Maria escape the church and hit the deck, while the enemy (just to show they're mean) strafes a cow. [note: This film is cruel to animals (sick Yugoslavs). The cow actually dies. Now we know why modern films post a disclaimer.]



When the enemy jets leave, the Army rounds up every able bodied male for some trigger-finger training.




John's brother in-law Jack can't get the hang of camouflage training. Plus he has a weak heart, and so he dies during basic training.




That's a shame. Meanwhile everybody heads for safety in the fallout shelters and and they watch a message from the maximum leader.




By an odd coincidence, John and Maria reunite in the shelter. Under normal circumstances, this would be a happy moment, but Maximum Leader is broadcasting live footage of his atomic missile strikes.




John Johnson can't take any more of this madness. Once he rouses the shelter into a patriotic fury (by singing the national anthem), he leads them to the Maximum Leader to demand peace.




Naturally, the Army arranges for his benefit a firing squad. Can Maria save him from certain doom?




Maximum Leader arrives to oversee the execution. Little does he know the enemy's missiles are on the way. He seeks shelter in John and Maria's fallout crater.




What a difference an atomic bomb makes. Everybody dies except John and Maria. Plaintively they wander back to what's left of his swinging bachelor pad.




Hmmm, Maria isn't feeling too well. What could be the reason? When she dies, John is grief-stricken. And that's the end of the show, folks.



Atomic War Bride is, frankly, a chore. John is your basic toothpaste model, and Maria is even less dynamic. Unless you have some twisted nostalgia for European nuclear holocaust films, Atomic War Bride is worth seeing only so you can say you have seen the worst war movie ever.

:: Anna 7:22 PM [+] ::
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