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:: Friday, December 27, 2002 ::

More Movie Tips

It's holiday time again, and you want to keep the relatives quiet. A simple trip to Blockbuster can provide hours of silence. All you need to do is identify what the folks want, and rent it. Movies shut people up. (And on a personal note, people like to pet bunnies as they watch movies.)

But what about you? What do you want to watch? Judging the torrent of email I receive, you want:

(1) action,
(2) sci-fi,
(3) supermarket-sweeps,
(4) romance,
(5) killers-for-hire,
(6) home-improvement-follies,
(7) character-development,
(8) mafia,
(9) espionage,
(10) internet trivia,
(11) ninja-fighting and
(12) humor.

Twelve themes in a single movie. Boy, you people are tough.

You folks like The Onion, right? And if the Onion's founder made a movie, you'd watch it, right?

With breathless awe, I present to you Scott Dikkers' Opus: Spaceman.

It's the tender story of a young boy, abducted by aliens at birth and trained to be a ceremonial combat killing machine. Think of him as Shaft from Outer Space.

Crash-landing on Earth seventeen years later, his lethal killing instincts leave him completely unprepared for life on our civil planet. Trained to be a soldier, and seeking a chain-of-command he can obey, he does what any obedient soldier would do: he buys a newspaper and applies for a jobs.

Rejected by the FBI and our beloved Army, Spaceman (David Ghilardi) finds work at the local supermarket as a cashier. At last he has a new commander who can give him the orders he craves. Dutiful in extremis, he has no idea the government has located his ship and is stealthily tracking him down.

Challenged by a brazen shoplifter, Spaceman snaps into action. He maims the miscreant and seals his own fate: he is fired from his job. Spaceman heads home, where his spacesuit inspires peals of laughter from his neighbor Sue (Deborah King). Humiliated, Spaceman retreats to the safety of his apartment.

Meanwhile the FBI is closing in on our protagonist. Classifying him as a hostile alien, they dispatch a team of assassins. Spaceman makes short work of them. No one on Earth can withstand his ceremonial combat fighting style. Unmatched but alone and without orders, Spaceman seeks higher ground in an effort to communicate with his mothership.

Feeling sorry for her earlier rebuke, Sue asks Spaceman to house-sit her apartment while she visits her parents over a three-day weekend.

Overjoyed to have a new set of orders, Spaceman takes Sues instructions to "improvise" very seriously. In fact he renovates Sue's apartment. Upon return, Sue is awestruck, and she invites Spaceman to lunch.

Sue rebuffs Spaceman's request for new orders. Leaderless, he prowls the evening streets and is beset by young hoodlums, who quickly taste Spaceman's fury. Captured by the police, Spaceman is ordered to receive psychoanalysis.

Stranded in a mental institution, Spaceman takes inspiration from a paperback biography about the local mafia Don. By this point of the film, Spaceman knows there is little hope he will ever return to his fighting unit. Earthen ways are arousing in him a new sense of individuality. If he can't be a soldier, Spaceman decides he might as well be a criminal. And for his first crime he busts out of the hospital.

Rebuffed by his attempts to join the local mafia, Spaceman goes free-lance. The mob sends assassins to rub out the competition. Spaceman senses he needs to lie low for awhile, so he seeks refuge with Sue (who is happy to accommodate him).

With the help of Google, Sue discovers the secret of Spaceman's abduction and calls his Mom. Her written note to Spaceman is intercepted. Now the FBI, the mafia and a ninja race to Mom's house for the final battle.

While vanquishing his foes in a battle-royale, Spaceman intercepts furtive emissions from his mothership. Will he answer the call? Or will he stay with his Mom and new girlfriend?

I think you already know the answer: Spaceman redeems himself. Rejecting the mothership, he moves in with Mom, marries Sue, raises a family and joins the mafia. The credits roll while Spaceman finds inner peace as a deadly-killing machine at peace with the world in his new role as a killer-for-hire.

The film Spaceman is a vindication of the American (2) way of life (AWOL). Where else can one find one's true calling, no matter how twisted one's upbringing? Spaceman is everyman, his dreams are our dreams writ large. No film vindicates our shining city on a hill better than Spaceman. Rent it, buy it and treasure its wisdom for the ages.

Two Ears Up

:: Anna 8:20 PM [+] ::

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