:: Monday, December 30, 2002 ::
Mars Needs Women
With so many Mars-inspired movies to chose, why not the worst? Let's take a look at the mother of all drive-in movies; the movie which features more former mouseketeers than any other Mars movie. Behold the awesome power of Mars Needs Women.
On swanky planet Earth, women are disappearing into thin air for no discernable reason.
It's up to the mighty United States Decoding Service (NASA Wing) to save the day!
(USDS has a flair for bad architecture)
USDS decodes the eponymous message from the red planet: Mars Needs Women. Colonel Bob Page breaks the news to the Secretary of Defense, who doesn't seem to realize the gravity of the situation.
To avert a full scale Earth vs. Mars war, Martian Fellow Number One (Dop, yes Dop (Tommy Kirk)) beams into USDS central and conveys his demands: surrender five women or face the full Martian onslaught.
You see, Mars has a problem: due to genetic damage, only one female is born for every 100 males. With that ratio, Mars is doomed. Apparently, the only solution is to shanghai Earth chicks. The mighty USAF won't take that ultimatum lying down, and they fire their fighting X-15s off into the wild blue yonder to slay the Martian menace. To no avail: nothing can stop a horny Martian.
Meanwhile, the Martians (all five of them) invade Houston and bury their ship. To conquer the Earth and steal our women, they must first knock over a gas station, clothing store and airport parking lot.
Newly powered by Brooks Brothers, the five Martians are ready to hit Houston's singles-set with the lust one gets from seventy days of celibate space travel. Fellow number three heads straight for the strip clubs.
Fellows one and two need to acquire the most important objective: a hotel room. Unfortunately, the world press is in town to cover the randy Martian story. Thwarted, the Martians regroup at the bar to modify their battle plan. Showing grace under fire, they hypnotize a reporter and seize his accommodations,
A stroke of luck! Dr. Marjorie Bolen (Yvonne Craig (you know her as BatGirl)), noted expert in extraterrestrial amore has booked a room in the same hotel! She's definitely capture-worthy, so fellow number one (Dop) schmoozes his way into her press conference.
Meanwhile, fellow number three has become smitten with his favorite stripper. So he hypnotizes her and takes her back to the flying saucer.
Fellow number four cruises Houston's international airport, trolling for cute stews. He picks a nice girl and hypnotizes her, too (what a guy)
Dop, still romancing Dr. Bolen, takes her to a free planetarium show (what a big spender!). The planetarium is showing "A Trip to Mars;" and when the lights go down you know Dop is going to show everyone why he's the number one interstellar lothario.
What an inopportune time for a school field trip to show up! With the planetarium filled with kids, Dop keeps his hands to himself. And since the subject of the presentation is the planet Mars, when the tape deck fails he pitches in and narrates the end of the show. After all he's from Mars, for crying out loud.
Fellow number five decides to attend a football game. And to his welcome surprise, there's a homecoming queen to abduct! He infiltrates FTD, steals a delivery truch, sneaks onto campus and hypnotizes her, too
Fellow number two has a thing for co-eds, so he cruises past the Delta Gamma house and chats up a budding artist. Now that's four women down and one (BatGirl) to go.
To summarize: everyone has dates except fellow number one (Dop). He's still chasing BatGirl, and true love will wait no matter how long it takes. She's got connections, and when she accidentally slips the beans about the mighty USAF's impending raid on the flying saucer, Dop has no choice but to scrub the mission and race to save the saucer.
In a stunning finale, the Martians take on the mighty USAF (six shots fired, but no one hit). Dop must choose between life on Earth with his new sweetie or another seventy days of space-born confinement. What would you do?
Like every Greek tragic hero, Dop errs. He abandons BatGirl and joins his fellow Martians in a narrow escape and high-tails it back to Mars. For now, the Earth is safe, but what about poor BatGirl?
Mars Needs Women is a hard film to pigeonhole. One the one hand, it's a real cheese-fest. From watching this film, you can tell that the making of film is a skill, and these guys don't have it. On the other hand, it has a strong European art-house quality: it's enigmatic and plays by its own set of rules.
I can't decide, but maybe you can. Put Mars Needs Women on the top of your list of rentals.
:: Anna 7:38 PM [+] ::